I am feeling anxious and a bit trapped. It is not comfortable for me to be useless, and I am facing four months of total uselessness. The ship is structured to infantilize the passengers, Are you hungry? There are several places to eat, all of them offering endless, excellent food. Are you bored? There are lots of activities, organized or casual. Did you make a mess? Your friendly room steward will clean it up for you as invisibly as possible. Veteran cruisers can put together their own excursions or interest groups, and the ship will facilitate practical details. But one simply cannot do anything that is not entirely self-centered.
I know, I know, it's supposed to be a vacation, why don't I just lie back and enjoy what I've looked forward to for over a year? Well, I didn't know it was going to feel like this to be waited on hand and foot, and I didn't know it would feel so claustrophobic. Can't I contribute anything besides my money?
OK, after writing that, I went stomping out to walk the deck a bit to decompress. And after a couple circuits, I sat down on one of the wooden benches and looked out at the dark ocean streaming by, the full moon lighting a path to my feet, the wake splashing below. I am where I want to be. I'm going to sail around the world. If it is necessary to wrap me in cotton wool to allow that to happen, then it is. Lord knows, I really have no skills that would render the Amsterdam safer or swifter or more elegant. And every evening I can sit on deck and watch the dark ocean streaming by and be calmed and exhilarated all at the same time.
I should probably start skipping some dining room meals, though, if only to minimize the amount I have to get waited on. I can at least carry my own dinner plate from the buffet to the table now and then.
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